What with "SMTM4" starting sometime in June (I have no idea when. I don't care that deeply), I figured that I should do a K-Hip-Hop related post, not least because it has been not a pop song, but a rap song that has attained my "best of the month" accolade twice this year now. Korean rappers often act alone, but they secretly move in squads. So I thought it a good idea to write about a series of these squads over a series of posts. Let's start with objectively the best group so this post series doesn't start out by hurting too much.
Just Music
Created by the most charismatically obese man in all of K-Hip-Hop, Just Music are the INLA to Brand New's IRA (holla at all the Irish readers) in that they split off when Swings decided he wanted creative control or summat, I don't really know the deets and don't particularly care because I'm not here to talk about whatever the fuck Rhymer is doing over at Brand New; instead, I'm telling y'all about the deformed, and better, cousin of Brand New. I will get to individual member introductions, but there are a few things worth noting first.
1) These guys make really great music (see above) thanks in no small part to the stellar production work that often features on their tracks.
2) The mixtape is really fucking good.
3) They want to suck Kanye's dick.
So now it's time for me to tell you who's who so you can pick a bias to send little presents to or something. Let's do it in the style of a profile page.
Swings
Name: Moon Jihoon
Role: CEO, self-proclaimed "monster of rap," Bulldozer (wtf does that mean?)
Known affiliates: Yoo Jae Suk (hip-hop cred through the roof), Thirst E, Brand New Music in general; he left them to form Just Music (an objectively better crew)
Why the fuck you should care: He's pretty huge (in more ways than one huehuehue let's get the fat joke out of the way) and is considered a king of punchlines, but I don't get most of them because I am a filthy monolingual piece of shit. To be fair to the guy, his flow is solid, and at the very least, he believes in himself, which is something I guess.
Choice cuts:
Vasco
Name: Clarence McVeigh
Role: Hot dad
Interests: Wasting the talents of JM's producers to rap over trap beats, getting married, getting divorced, gaining respect wherever he goes
Known affiliates: Shannon (hip-hop cred through the roof), Bobby, loads of random underground geezers, his own damn son
Why the fuck you should care: As you can see from his instagram, he is currently sporting some truly amazing hair. More importantly, he has been rapping for at least eight decades, which means he has smoked more weed, fired off more pieces and fucked more tricks than any rapper around. The truest street cred in existence.
Choice cuts:
Giriboy
Name: Zing de Twing
Role: Hot son
Interests: Starting shit, Being a disappointment, Being unreasonably attractive, Having no sense of self decency
Known affiliates: Jang Hyunseung (hip-hop cred through the roof), Mad Clown, Jooyoung, Crucial Star, Tablo (Tablo wants to fuck him)
Why the fuck you should care: Despite being the ultimate disappointment on "SMTM3," he retained high levels of popularity, especially among female fans that wanted to fuck him raw. He is a rapper who can also produce and has dabbled in JM production (we will get to the best producer later in this post, never fear) and his voice is kinda clean I guess. He also says "twerk" in a really funny voice in this song. That's funny, I guess.
Choice cuts:
CJAMM
Name: Park Jinyoung
Role: The sane one
Known affiliates: My friend who met him (hip-hop cred through the roof), BewhY, Lazy Bones, Keebo, J-Zo, Eumko
Why the fuck you should care: Honestly, CJAMM is probably the best rapper on Just Music, and he is also the youngest so can keep getting better while the rest will simply rot out of old age. CJAMM will emerge from the rubble and repopulate society because he lives on Sexy Street, which will be the inevitable convening point of all of the attractive ladies with whom he will procreate.
천재노창 [Genius Nochang]
Name: Sir David Attenborough
Role: Best producer in the game
Interests: Fashion, Being involved in the best photo ever, fapping to pictures of CL (see above)
Known affiliates: Bora (hip-hop cred through the roof), Junggigo, Tablo, Dok2, The Quiett
Why the fuck you should care: He is my favourite member so that clearly shows that he is objectively the best. He has produced the best beats I have ever heard come out of k-hip-hop, he makes my dick hard, and he would fit right in here as he also likes to fap to K-Pop idols.
Choice cuts:
Blacknut
Name: Dok2
Role: Wildcard
Known affiliates: Seulong (hip-hop cred through the roof), Jooheon, Beenzino, Zico
Why the fuck you should care: Have you not seen the previous evidence? This guy is fucking hilarious. I refuse to dignify this with anymore explanation.
Choice cuts:
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I was gonna include another crew but this post is of a decent length and the other group had eight members, which would have put it beyond most people's attention span. I will try to write up a post for them later this week, why not? They are a significantly inferior group to your K-hip-hop gods that I have introduced to you today. Until next time, sweet readers.
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